Make a plan…Then throw that shit out the window!

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I was a mason. I did what every mother does. Made an extensive birth plan as to how I saw this beautiful, momentous occasion going. I wrote in detail how I wanted each part to go, how I wanted Jaye to respond to my requests, how I wanted to be addressed in the hospital when it came to medication, I even requested dim lighting with light music for ambiance when our son arrived..I mean I thought I had it figured out. And you should too! Write it all down, map it out in your head and make sure you visualized it… Then take that shit and crinkle it into a tiny ball and throw it into the trash can from across the room because it ain’t gonna happen like that!!!

First of all, if you are a first time mom no one can describe what the pain is like, for multiple reasons. It’s different for everyone. One person will say I didn’t really know I was in labor and the next says they screamed for dear life from the minute their water broke. So even if I share that it started as small cramps and grew into stabbing like contractions that buckled my knees and sent me into screams and tears you won’t know until it happens to you. Everyone experiences a different kind of pain. Some women only get contractions of the back…I don’t even know what that means, but it’s a thing. Your labor is going to feel unique no matter what I tell you. No matter how many people I asked no one could really describe what I was about to go through.

Secondly, so many things change in the moment that you don’t even remember what you put in your birth plan. Mine was so thorough and then when it was all happening I didn’t even know what step I was on. I was screaming and cussing and teaching newborns in the labor unit words they should never know! When I told the doctor that admitted me that I didn’t want any pain medications or anesthesia she laughed at me and said “Ok, I’ll ask you again in a few hours.” At first I was like screw her, she doesn’t know me, I’m tough af”…man I hated proving her right. There are also moments of utter fear and shock where you might not have a lot of say. When Banks came out he was struggling to breathe. So while I was yelling for someone to tell me what’s wrong with him, my delivery doctor said you are bleeding I have to give you Pitocin. My birth plan clearly stated that I didn’t want it, but as I watched them wheel my son away with tubes down his throat I couldn’t have cared less what my doctor was doing for my safety. All I could think about was my son.

Third thing is this, no matter what you plan out for your life or your child’s, things are going to change. I am a huge advocate for the 5P rule (Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance). I shit you not, I write out a 6 month goal, 1 year goal, 5 year goal, 10 year goal every new year! I am a control freak in my head, in real life I am very lackadaisical because I know that it will never happen this way, but I need a sense of direction. I know that things don’t go according to plan all the time. It’s nice to know where you are headed on this path called life, but it’s ok to accept when the terrain changes. Do your research. Plan it all out, but be ok saying that didn’t happen or it happened in a way that taught me so much.

I will leave you with this. Before Banks was born I sat down with Jaye and we mapped out his financial well being. How could I sacrifice now to benefit him later. I started planning his college, a house for his family, where I wanted him to be when he was my age. Then one day right before he was born I went for a walk with my mother-in-law (the amazing, wonderful, saint that she is) to try to evict him since he was overdue. We were having a BBQ and we had to stop at a corner store for cheese (who eats plain hamburgers??) and she said “Buy me a lottery ticket too, I want to be able to pay for Banks college.” And it dawned on me in that moment. I asked her “What if he’s just not that smart? Do we still send him to college?” She said “HE WILL BE!” But the truth is we don’t know what we don’t know. We can’t control the uncontrollable and I accepted in that moment that no matter how my my birth with him went I was blessed to be having this child. A safe delivery and a healthy, happy kid are all we can really ask for as parents. Plan away, then crinkle it up and throw it away. You can always write a new plan tomorrow.