I eat babies...just kidding

When my son first arrived I used to kiss his little feet and say "I EAT BABIES, NOM NOM NOM". Then I watched him plop his cute little foot in a pile of shit as I changed his diaper. I have not eaten that baby since. At least not while he's covered in shit.

When I found out Banks had reflux I blamed myself. I figure I had eaten something wrong during pregnancy that cause this. I used to get the worst heartburn in the third trimester. I mean so bad I would be up all night and eventually running to the bathroom to puke! The doctor said not to eat any dairy while breast feeding. And I would do anything to fix him so I went home, opened the fridge and said it's all got to go! Mind you I love cheese, specifically with wine or when Jaye makes mac n' cheese...soooooo goooood! But for Banks, anything. I stopped eating hot sauce too and for those of you who know me it's like taking away water. I do it anyways, no dairy, no hot sauce.

Jaye and I get our first date night. We decided to get dinner and drinks while his mom watches the baby. I pump enough milk to be able to have a few drinks and be care free (that's a lie, I'm always worried). We go to a southern restaurant, yessss lawd give me all the food. It's a pre-fix menu. First up, biscuits. Oh, wait I can't have those because butter is dairy. Next up, deviled eggs. Ok, I can eat these...wait can I? Does it have mayo? Is mayo dairy? Then Mac N' Cheese. NOPE NOPE NOPE. But wait the fried chicken! And Jaye says don't they use buttermilk to coat it....FML! I sit there eating Brussel sprouts and fruit salad watching my friends and lover feast on what I wish I could have. Then desert comes and the very gracious waited says and for you madam a gluten free almond crusted pie. BRO! I can't have dairy you f***** bag of dicks! Sorry, super upsetting. So no dinner, no desert. Happy mommy's night out! I have to go to a f******* vegan restaurant to even eat now. WTF

Turns out there is dairy in everything. I meet Jaye for lunch since my mother in law is a saint. I'll have a cheeseburger. Jaye says "She'll have a cheeseburger Jerry! Wait you can't have cheese. Jerry, she will have a cheeseburger hold the cheese!" Great, ok so a plain burger. I can still cut loose! Until after I ate it like a starving child and realized bread probably has milk or butter, in, on or around it. I can't win. I look around me and realize no matter what I do I will probably accidentally ingest some type of dairy. It takes between 10-21 days to even leave your system so no matter how much I love my son, no matter how much I hate his crying and his reflux I will likely always have dairy in my system. And f*** you Vegan's for making me realize how hard your lives are!